Come on in, the Water's Fine.
...
I grew up by the sea, but curiously didn’t
learn to swim until comparatively late...
Still, every summer you’d find me in
my “swimming” gear, on the beach,
looking at the sea and the early learners
frolicking in the brown-grey surf of the
North Sea. - do people ‘frolic’ in water,
or is frolicking just for lambs in green fields?
But paddling, how bad can it be?
Just go in deep enough to get used to the
water whilst remaining comfortable…
No problem...
Just up to my ankle tops...
maybe half way up my calves...
Oops, wet knees.
Why, this is just dandy...
Further?
Well I’m not as tall as the others...
Short for my age...
Even now...
But they sure look like they’re having a
better time out there than I am stuck here…
Coward!
O.K., here we go...
Just a little bit further couldn’t hurt.
(Famous last words.)
Waist deep... solar plexus…
My God! the current.
I can feel it really pulling now.
Swaying me back and forth with the motion
of the waves.
Up to my shoulders... beyond the breakers now,
and into the swells.
It’s such... such... such an unusual, almost hypnotic
(beautiful?) feeling…
In deeper, the water laps up to my throat, slowly letting go...
relaxing...
Letting the sea hold my body weight.
Relaxing...
letting go...
relaxing...
But why is my heart pounding?...
The swells roll in and I rise with it.
My feet leave the sandy bed just for a
second or two, then back down again…
Until the next swell.
It… it’s like flying…
Rising again... and falling.
Rising...
and falling...
Falling.
The current is so strong here...
but it’s so beautiful... No not beautiful,
there are no real words to describe this...
Let go.
Just let go...
I could so easily just let myself g...
Oh God! Wait! I’m too far out!
Jesus where’s the beach?
Help!
Panic!...
Sea-water fills my mouth, stings my eyes... Jesus...
Then before I know it I’m back on the beach...
...cursing...
Crying...
Cursing myself for being such an idiot.
I could have drowned...
...just a few seconds longer and...
Never again.
Too close...
I grab my towel, the salt water still stinging my eyes and leave the beach, tears streaming down my stupid face.
...
Last night I dreamt she danced with me in a boxing ring,
Built inside a sun streaked warehouse...
Holding me...
Her cheek, soft against mine...
Her breath on my skin...
She whispered
“Come on in, the water's fine.”
…
The End
©2004-2009 ~hesir
Details
Submitted: March 22, 2004
File Size: 3.2 KB
Image Size: 58.0 KB
Resolution: 266×546
Comments: 14
Favourites & Collections: 5 [who?]
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Total: 254
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Submitted: March 22, 2004
File Size: 3.2 KB
Image Size: 58.0 KB
Resolution: 266×546
Comments: 14
Favourites & Collections: 5 [who?]
Views
Total: 254
Today: 0
Downloads
Total: 46
Today: 0
Thumb
Author's Comments
My common sense, such as it is, has the unfortunate tendency
to kick in a little later than it should...
But, kick in it always does... even recently.
And that’s good... right?
Invariably I come off looking like a crazy person,
but it’s worth it, if it saves me...
Saves me from myself that is...
and of course from greater injury.
...The Greatest Injury.
h.
to kick in a little later than it should...
But, kick in it always does... even recently.
And that’s good... right?
Invariably I come off looking like a crazy person,
but it’s worth it, if it saves me...
Saves me from myself that is...
and of course from greater injury.
...The Greatest Injury.
h.
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Devious Comments
Comments
--
Haemoglobin is the key to healthy heart-beat.
--
Haemoglobin is the key to healthy heart-beat.
What a miserable merry-go-round...
You manage to use devices to their fullest advantage here. You use enjambment to promote the stream of consciousness to promote urgency to promote a deeply emotive piece.... you see where i'm going with this.
Stream of consciousness pieces tend to become turned around and too vague, because that is the nature o the mind, after all. You have managed to control the flow though. I think that maybe there is one of two reasons for this. firstly, you may have tried to protect the narrative and abbreviate the whole passage that would have contained repetition and rambling. or, and i think this is more likely, you used the short lines and simple thoughts to encourage the sense of fear, then awe and to mirror the motion of the sea.
The metaphor you have used is great, i'm particularly impressed with the subtle way that you cast the beach and the sea in this beautiful scenic mold, then, at the end, you mention irritation of the sand and salt. It smells and feels good, but sometimes its so damn irritating or painful. I think that this added detail to the overall metaphor of reltionship/sea really make is complete, stretching every part of the text out to smoothly and exactly match the sub text.
the last stanza/paragraph is great, in a short space you managed to create a dream quality very well. Your choice of words promote a slow, warm scene. the last line is, if you meant it to or not, is full of ambiguity. Is she coaxing you in to unsafe water? or is she letting you knwo that you are safe, always safe? Strangely, the ambiguity and intimacy of the moment adds a darkly sexy note.
The only thing that i would say is a little off putting is the first section, up to 'The Greatest Injury'. I think it is well written, but i think the straightforwardness of it betrays the rest of the piece. I suppose what you have basically done is to condense the sentiment of the text into a direct message. This turns me off, i dont know about others.
but to cut the long to a short, i really like it!
--
FIGHTY FIGHTY
I'm really glad you understood the metaphore (as stretched as it became...).
This was my first really openly autobiographical peice... I did grow up by the sea, I did learn to swim late, and the dream sequence at the end came from a hastily scribbled note made upon waking in the early morning... a dream memory I wanted to hang on to.
As for enjambment I have to admit, I went to google and looked it up... There my ignorance is exposed... I've seen the term bandied about on the prose/poetry forum by deviants like darkcrescendo and others but have never really understood it... At least now I have a conceptual grasp of another literary tool, and I thank you for forcing that enlightenment.
I had hoped that the short verses verses would convey the tentative steps that we make when entering relationships nervously... also I had toyed with the idea of it being both a comic strip (the short verses being easily turned into narrative panels) and at one time an animation (with the verses spoken as a voice over)...
Looking back on the peice I see what you mean about the first part... it reads more like a foreword rather than as part of the actual peice...
...and with regards to the last lines ambiguity "Is she coaxing you in to unsafe water? or is she letting you know that you are safe, always safe?" I'm afraid that's the ambiguity bred in a faint heart, and bares no relationship to the intent ion of "she".
But thank you again, your comments today have been a real boost.
h.
I'm really glad you understood the metaphore (as stretched as it became...). i'm a little worried that you misunderstood some of my comment. i'm clumsy with my words, so its very possible. In my opinion you stretched the metaphor to the fullest extent, but with amazing grace - the was not a forced sylable or hole in the flow of the narrative.
i'm going to watch you in case you decide to write more... i think your talent is something that i can learn from, to be honest.
And yes, i see what you mean about the forewording, but it is my opinion that you drive your meesage home with a clarity that doesnt require such an explaination.
I'm glad that you have taken these comments in the good nature that they are intended. you have no idea how many people become defensive, as if you are trying to rip their pieces to the bone.
Thankyou for your replies and i hope to see more from you
--
FIGHTY FIGHTY
"as stretched as it became..." was my opinion of my own writing and not an assumption of your meaning so please don't worry about that (smiles). The ambiguity of the e-mail (that and I have no idea how to add or use those emoticons).
Regardless, your comments are always most welcome, and thank you again for taking the time to read my work.
h.
I really like it, it would translate really well into some artwork as well.....you have created so many images in my head with this...lots that remind me of my own first attempts at swimming (being a north sea boy like yourself) and others that make me think of the emptiness of beaches and all the bits n' bobs you find there, that could all, potentially be linked to your metaphor.
You going to illustrate owt for it? I dont know if you'd need to, its so descriptive as is I think you could leave it up to interpretation.....
Excellent work.
Jim
I just realised it must have popped up in your inbox because I change the preview... didn't know it did that...
Anyway thanks, that's quite an old peice, but I'm going to be using it in something else I've been thinking about... lots to do with seaside towns too...
h.
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